Aftersun: Darkness in Paradise
Imagine: you have arrived in Turkey, at an all-inclusive resort with your daughter who you haven’t seen in months. You had gotten divorced, so this was your chance to bond with her. However, the depressive thoughts in your mind are becoming unbearable. You tried meditation, tai chai, philosophy books, and deep breathing; it seemed to be working, allowing you to enjoy the vacation.
But there were moments of doubt; a broken wrist, a shoulder injury, late nights staring into the darkness. When the vacation ends and you wave goodbye to your daughter as she heads home, a moment of sadness affected your voice, stuttering goodbye. You write a postcard, send it in the mail, never to live to see the response.
Directed and written by Charlotte Wells, Aftersun is, as she describes, “emotionally autobiographical… reconciling your childhood impression of your parents with who they really are”. It is framed as a series of video camera footage, twenty years in the past. Sophia is watching footage from her last trip with her dad when she was eleven years old. It allows both the audience and her to gleam some forgotten insights, or overlooked clues, into her father’s emotional state before his death shortly afterward. Sophia’s dad, Calum, is on the precipice of turning thirty-one. Gleamed from an interaction with a resort employee, he is surprised that he made it to thirty. His emotional state is not doing well, showing signs of depression, anxiety, and addiction, though cultivating a facade to hide his deep sadness.
At the end of June in 2024, I was in the throes of depression in paradise as well. We were invited to my cousin’s destination wedding in the Dominican Republic on an all-inclusive resort. I tried to put on a façade of happiness, enjoying the moments in the sun and atmosphere. But the darkness swept over me, even in paradise. My breathe would become shallow, my desire to jump off the balcony peaked, my body expressing a long tiredness that sleep could not fix. I wanted to end my life, to stop the nearly constant emotional pain.
Just like Calum, I tried distraction, though I did not know about the powers of meditation or tai chai. Drinking cocktails seemed to numb the emotions, allowing my mind to be at peace for a moment. Kayaking in the ocean, playing volleyball in the pool, or dancing at the wedding instilled deep focus to push my depressive thoughts away. Sleep, when I was able, quieted the racing mind. But the darkness still found its way into my mind, clouding my judgement, pulling me closer to suicide.
I made it home safely, thank goodness. And later in September, I got the help I needed from the Glens Falls Hospital. But Calum was not so lucky, as Sophia continues to process and grieve twenty years after. We all need to talk about the mental pain that goes on behind the surface. The clouded darkness that makes us feel like we can never see the clear blue sky, even in paradise. Because there is always blue sky behind the dark clouds. All it takes is opening up, pushing past our anxieties and struggles.
Suicidal ideation is one of the scariest and worst feelings any person can experience. Our brain and neural chemicals can induce both wonderful and distressing thoughts, and it is something that we can learn to control whether through medicine or new habits.
Meditation can help to improve the parasympathetic nervous system, increasing the ability to recognize and respond to stressful moments. Therapy, especially in person with someone you trust, can help find the words to express how we are feeling as well as discover new coping strategies. Daily mind exercises, like math exercises or brain teasers, strengthen our neural pathways to increase our abilities. Abstaining from alcohol and other mind-altering substances, especially recreationally, can help repair the brain’s natural dopamine receptor responses; though prescribed and controlled use of medicine by a licensed doctor is often the good approach if someone’s brain is impaired in some way.
Most importantly, we should be mindful that we are not alone. Just think of the billions of people that came before us and the billions of people around us, all of whom share the same emotions and struggles. Talk to others, step outside your comfort zone, and become a beacon of light for yourself and others.
Suicide is not the answer. It causes more harm and distress to others. As someone once told me, when someone commits suicide, their pain never goes away, it just gets transferred to everyone that cared above them. We are all human, trying to live our lives the best way we know how. It doesn't matter who we are, who we love, or what we believe in. You are not alone, you matter, and the world is better with you in it.
Charlette Wells’ Aftersun is a brilliant movie that shows the disparity between young Sophia on the verge of growth and Calum’s depressive decline. It explores the father-daughter relationship, especially with one strained by divorce. It masterfully includes a version of David Bowie’s Under Pressure, as Sophia tries to metaphorically save her dad in a club. I recommend this film to anyone who wants to understand depression, navigate divorce in family relationships, and grief. For additional reading, Shirley Li, from the Atlantic, wrote a piece with more context gleamed from interviews with the director.
“Cause love's such an old-fashioned word, love dares you to care for the people on the edge of the night, love dares you to change our way of caring about ourselves. This is our last dance, this is ourselves, under pressure.”
